My first parenting lesson from Circling
Bringing home a new baby, I was struck with how little I knew about what to do. I had never cared for a baby before. I’d held them here and there, but I’d never been the one in charge, the one this baby relying on.
Over these first few months I’ve learned A LOT. My baby’s learned A LOT. It’s been a very special time!
One of my first practices as a mom of a non-verbal being is to explore what I call in Circling— Balancing Attention.
Balancing Attention is the practice of simultaneously paying attention to what’s happening inside of you, as well as attuning to the outside world.
Many people have a tendency to lean their attention far in one direction or the other.
1) Some people give lots of attention to others, but are unaware of what’s happening inside (definitely my tendency, and I’ve improved a lot through practice!)
2) Some people have all of their attention feeling what’s happening inside of them and don’t pay that much attention to what’s going on for others.
Where does your attention lean with others?
I feel best when I’m with someone who has attention both inward and outward. I notice there is space for me and I also feel attuned to. I find that I get to know the other person more intimately when they’re balancing their attention.
I’ve been trying to practice this with my baby. My first parenting Circling practice!
I try to balance my attention, to not completely lose myself as I focus on her, but rather see and feel her while I am also feeling myself. She goes through huge emotional changes constantly. This helps me to be grounded, remember to breathe if she’s distressed and also to give attention in a way that is sustainable for me. It helps me to know when I’m tense and need a break.
I imagine when I remember to practice this, that it feels good for my baby to have me, as her care-giver connected to myself.
Want to practice balancing your attention?
You can practice this Circling skill with an object and/or another person.
Toggle your Attention
Play with moving your attention completely onto the object/person and then draw it all the way back into yourself. Go back and forth. You can open and close your eyes as you move your attention if that helps. Get to know how it feels to pay attention inward and outward. Know the distinction.
Simultaneous Attention
Try to balance your attention so that you are simultaneously (or almost) feeling yourself and taking in the other.
Some questions to stay grounded in yourself as you practice:
Can you notice your breathing?
What kinds of thoughts and feelings are present?
Where is your body in space?
What sensations do you feel?
Try it with:
An object
A partner non-verbally
A partner verbally; have a conversation and go slowly enough so that you can prioritize noticing your attention
You can also play with toggling your attention during any life experience— watching a concert, taking a walk outside, attending a meeting, creating art, cooking, cleaning the house, etc. You could try it right now as you read this blog. Where is your attention?
The present moment is always changing, stay tuned to your changing experience moment to moment.
Let me know how it goes in the comments below:
